I seem to spend all of my time shifting between the child who dutifully creates sand castles and the bully who destroys them. I am constantly fighting against my own efforts at self-sabotage.
My friend Rachel, on her last visit to my area, once illustrated succinctly the probable psychological motivations around my weight gain over the past few years. She asked me if my gaining weight wasn't a shield to protect me from those who might want to be with me. Well, of course it is! I'm terrified of the prospect of being loved and let down by another significant other. *shudder* The horror! Of course, it's never quite that simple. Or is it? The whole "fat as a shield" thing is such an old story, I'm a bit embarrassed to cop to it. Oh well. Not everything I do is wondrous and amazing.
Conversations held in my head
while drifting off to sleep...
If I let you stick around long enough,
wouldn't you eventually give up on me,
like I gave up on myself?
If I allow you a room into my life,
wouldn't you soon tire of my ways and moods,
resenting me and yearning for escape?
I know I do.
I know I would.
I know I have.
I cannot think of any one lover
from my past
who has not soon cast me off
for another lover,
another drug,
another place,
another piece
of peace
without me.
It angers me so,
to be so typically bogged down
in rejection issues.
I'm too smart for this shit!
Aren't I?
Aren't I the one, the smart one,
the too smart for YOU one,
who isn't supposed to need any
one?
But there I go again,
heartlessly kicking into shambles
my painstakingly built sand castle
and running off shrieking down the beach.
Like a mad banshee.
And here I go again,
wondering why I don't have any one
to run to.
And yet.
When I'm being honest...
Aren't I the one
who shuts down,
who closes shutters,
who pushes people out
my door?
And aren't I
the one
who won't let any
one
in
long enough to grab
a good hand hold?
To hold
my hand,
my heart?
Ever the one afraid,
that the NEXT time it falls
not all of the tape in the universe
will be able to repair it.
My friend Rachel, on her last visit to my area, once illustrated succinctly the probable psychological motivations around my weight gain over the past few years. She asked me if my gaining weight wasn't a shield to protect me from those who might want to be with me. Well, of course it is! I'm terrified of the prospect of being loved and let down by another significant other. *shudder* The horror! Of course, it's never quite that simple. Or is it? The whole "fat as a shield" thing is such an old story, I'm a bit embarrassed to cop to it. Oh well. Not everything I do is wondrous and amazing.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Conversations held in my head
while drifting off to sleep...
If I let you stick around long enough,
wouldn't you eventually give up on me,
like I gave up on myself?
If I allow you a room into my life,
wouldn't you soon tire of my ways and moods,
resenting me and yearning for escape?
I know I do.
I know I would.
I know I have.
I cannot think of any one lover
from my past
who has not soon cast me off
for another lover,
another drug,
another place,
another piece
of peace
without me.
It angers me so,
to be so typically bogged down
in rejection issues.
I'm too smart for this shit!
Aren't I?
Aren't I the one, the smart one,
the too smart for YOU one,
who isn't supposed to need any
one?
But there I go again,
heartlessly kicking into shambles
my painstakingly built sand castle
and running off shrieking down the beach.
Like a mad banshee.
And here I go again,
wondering why I don't have any one
to run to.
And yet.
When I'm being honest...
Aren't I the one
who shuts down,
who closes shutters,
who pushes people out
my door?
And aren't I
the one
who won't let any
one
in
long enough to grab
a good hand hold?
To hold
my hand,
my heart?
Ever the one afraid,
that the NEXT time it falls
not all of the tape in the universe
will be able to repair it.
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