After a longish night of putting off the (welcome) inevitable- going home and sleeping alone in my comfy bed- I am finally trying to share my words with the infamous inter net. Yessir.
I wrote 10 pages of random extracts- of words that ran through my head while I was sitting waiting for someone interesting to be brave enough to approach and speak with/entertain me. Such silliness sometimes follows a night of me trying to entertain myself, feeling a brief connection, and then wanting more but getting nothing.
And then, after writing and sitting and drinking whiskey, I was about to leave the bar and go home to write on my loving computer, when I ran into a fellow who I (almost a year ago) flirted with brazenly- even to go so far as to email him that I was attracted to him- while he was with a young and attractive female. Annoying and typical. And of course, I feel rejected and dejected- more than I already did.
But maybe I'll post my ten pages (small tiny pages) of word vomit that I created before I left the bar. That's what I wanted to do anyhow. That's why I'm here.
Here they are, as written about two hours ago:
12/9/06
1)
The occasional meager effort
to be cool, to be worthy
of
love
or whatever.
I'll take admiration & devotion
of course, as a close second.
But most times I don't even
bother- too much trouble
effort
earnest let down when
a heartfelt smile from afar
across the room
flickers and extinguishes
2)
-- away.
But the ever so romantic and grand-
IDEA
of being loved
being lovable.
being boring and bored
w/the pitiful pity.
So I can only do this trip-
effort-
every once-in-a-while.
semi-annual
let-down & out,
3)
Too old for this shite-
but then I always was,
never was.
Time to think of either
Morrisey -or- Abbey
of kill yourself for love
or
kill yourself for nature.
Nature vs. Nurture-
the inimitable & unchanging debate.
Love or Lust
but lust would be nice too...
4)
...for an hour or so.
_____________
Chet Baker--> there's a sad story.
But what a voice.
-like an instrument- like honey
_____________
if I could live as interesting/pathetic? a lie,
er life.
as the good ol' drunken poets
of days of yore-
but I can see too far.
5)
I can see too well into
the & through the bullshit of
the utter/sheer narcism of
"the Alcoholic Poet/writer". It's
far too cliche- too too
selfish & too boring after a few
years- "Been there, done that."
Nigh 20 years ago- sheesh.
But it draws me back in-
sometimes-
Because I felt so darn
INTERESTING back then-
wandering around, gathering
writing material, being alive.
6)
It's no fun being the most
sober person in a room full of
drunks- Drunks are damn
annoying, though, no matter how
much I drink. I'm far too
high strung to enjoy or tolerate
annoying behavior, which usually
increases exponentially when
folks drink/smoke weed (the
MOST annoying).
And here, on page 6, my
HEAD takes over the piece
of the Heart- Damn
Simian Line makes me anal or
7)
Something. What's the word?
Irritating and stiff.
Most people annoy me a lot.
Am I then a bad person?
Nah- Just human --> crowded
out by the cesspool of
rampant breeding & complacency
so fabulous here in the U.S.A.
How many "pages" of drivel
can I tag before I tire of
waiting for the magic man/it
to jar me out of my
reverie? I wish I could shut
out the "conversations"....
8)
around me- they are aggravating
& distracting (clearly) --> OCT, or
ADHD, or PTSD, or ODD, or
TAG, or whatever. There is
no acronym with MY name
(only) on it --> they are all
fairly interesting or close. Guess
I'm just like everyone else.
a unique putz trying to be
cool.
I could though, in all
honesty, use a bit of
Romance, after all these years.
Jeez- 6 years? 7? I forget.
9)
er.
But I cannot think of
what to do--> what to do
tonight --> that would be
interesting. Maybe I will
just go home & find solace in
the good ol' computer--> artificial
friend to type into....
Because frankly, the idea
of the possibilty of fornication or
romance scares the FUCK
out of me. For Real.
So I get the hots for
the unattainable. Of course.
10)
It's AWEsome how I can
sit here outside, at a LONG
picnic table @ The Horsehead,
and NO body will dare to
sit at the table. Fuck Yeah.
Funny. There are a bunch of
folk crowded into another
couple of tables. I feel
Repulsive.
I want more
Whiskey.
Guess I'll just go
home & write in peace.
-H
That's it.
Amazing, I know.
Well, now I am tired.
I've been listening to Daniel Johnston a lot lately. He's amazing.
Now I might be able to sleep.
That purge of crappy writing has exhausted me.
Good night.
